Sunday, May 4, 2008
If you are a man wearing a scarf in the United States, you are probably gay.
I cannot stress this enough.
Clander (the jackass who writes "Stuff White People Like"), however, thinks it's somehow trendy for white people to wear scarves. He further postulates that white people will wear scarves not only in defiance of prevailing fashion sense, but also of impending summertime weather. In other words, Clander says white people wear scarves all the time.
This is horridly incorrect--except, of course, you're a redheaded Irish transplant living San Francisco like Christian Lander himself. In that case, scarves are mandatory. So are Priuses and New Balance shoes and all manner of communist dalliances prevalent in that Shining Sinkhole by the Sea.
In the rest of the world of white people, you don't wear a scarf unless you're a woman. I've yet to see a white person wearing a scarf, and I, too, live in California--just not the sinkhole part. Clander could've railed against the white people (specifically, white American) inclination towards wearing giant-lettered university sweatshirts, sports jerseys for teams halfway across the continent, or flags of foreign countries.
But he didn't. Again, Clander wrote his latest blog entry the easy way: He looked at himself in the mirror, noticed he was wearing a scarf, and wrote that down.
God damn it, Clander.
At this point, I'll offer a counter-claim to Clander's latest communist creed:
Japanese people like scarves. They wear them all the time. In all circumstances, in all weather. In Japan, this is not considered gay. It's normal.
Japan loves its freaking scarves. It also loves latching onto obscure American popular culture phenomena, like Nightmare Before Christmas. In a pinch, Japanese people will combine the two into an unholy union of sorts, as with these Nightmare Before Christmas scarves.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
He writes that white people like New Balance shoes because they're produced in Maine by overpaid union shlobs, not by impoverished Vietnamese children (like Nike shoes). Clander thinks paying Vietnamese kids $2/hr to sew shoes is a bad thing. He also thinks most white people agree.
Clander is dead wrong, at least about the immorality of paying Vietnamese ten times the country's average daily wage to cross-stitch sneakers:
- Vietnam's average monthly household income: $32
- Average monthly income at a Vietnamese Nike factory: $59
By buying Nike shoes, you're almost doubling the buying power of Vietnam's poorest residents. Kind of puts a damper on the anti-globalism fervor of "Stuff White People Like", doesn't it?
In contrast, the average wage in Maine is $16.90, or $33,080/year. In New Balance's factories in Somerset, Maine, workers are paid $15,904/year. That's HALF the going rate in Maine.
That statistic bears repeating: In Vietnam, Nike workers are paid TWICE the nation's average pay, but in Maine, New Balance's worker are paid HALF the state's average pay.
New Balance: 50%.
Nice try, Clander. You fail at economics.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
- White people are educated.
- Advanced white people are college-educated.
- Highly-advanced white people were college-educated in California (preferably the San Francisco Bay Area, preferably at UC Berkeley), birth place of the sustenance upon which “Stuff White People Like” depends: hipsters, Internets, the Toyota Prius.
And while most white people in California go to college, ALL Asian people go to college in California. A white college student will often go years without meeting another white person, especially if the white person in question is a computer science major. For sexual release, the only option other than becoming celibate or hiring “adult” actresses and filming homemade pornography is to date Asian girls.
Of course, the relationship must be hidden from the Asian girl's parents, lest they become enraged at her dating a White Devil. Her Asian male friends must be similarly ignorant of her new beau—prone to rage at the thought of a white person stealing another one of “their women.”
"The City of San Francisco has a very multicultural population that ranges from white to gay to Asian."
"No matter how much you have offended someone from San Francisco, you can always make them feel better by asking them how they feel about Southern California. They will instantly talk of how it is filled with crime, pollution, hegemonic culture, and the wrong kind of white people"
-Christian Lander (#91 - San Francisco)
The comments on this post at "Stuff white people like" generally support clander's rants against the southern, more populous, more Latino part of California. Sad. Is "hating on Latinos" something else white people like?
Why do I say that?
- San Francisco is 44% white, one-third Asian, 14% Latino, 7% black
- San Diego is 49% white, 25% Latino, 13% Asian, 7% black
Their white populations are proportionate. Switch the Asians and Latinos, and the racial composition of the two cities becomes identical. Evidently Christian Lander doesn't think too highly of Latinos, nor of the white people (the "wrong kind") who choose to live near them. Not surprising from a communist ginger with a book deal.
(San Francisco's median income is $67,000. San Diego's is $56,000. I guess "clander" doesn't like poor people, either?)
Monday, April 14, 2008
"Stuff white people like" thinks that "free" healthcare is something white people like. Well, sure--everyone likes free stuff. This isn't limited to white people.
A Japanese Case Study
I once stood on a street corner in downtown Tokyo and tried to hand out hip-hop CDs to promote the Defamation League, a San Diego group trying to get huge in Japan. The Japanese were understandably perplexed; rarely are Tokyo denizens offered anything for free other than prepackaged Kleenex. They'd never been handed a free CD before in their lives.
Undeterred, I busted out my dictionary and looked up the Japanese word for "free" and started shouting it occasionally as I threw CDs around Shibuya crossing. Now they understood. The CDs were gobbled up like so many potstickers. From middle-aged businessmen to homeless Japanese living under bridges, everyone developed a sudden interest in "grit hop" when it came without a price tag.
The same goes for healthcare. Just as the hobbling centenarian grabbed the rap music when it became free, the undead zombies who troll our streets at nighttime will also want health care if they don't think they have to pay for it. Thing is, someone has to pay. And that someone is YOU.
You see, you're reading this on the 1Nt3rN3tZ lo!lo!LL. As such, you have a computer, or at least access to one. This means you've got an income. If you've got an income, you'll pay a tax for "free" healthcare. The larger your income, the larger your tax. In fact, if you've got an especially large income--say, upwards of $30,000 a year--you'll pay more in taxes than you'll get in health care. This goes double if you're healthy or young, like me (sorry ladies, I'm taken). Your youthful vitality will do you no good, since you'll get taxed whether you visit the hospital or not. Chances are, if you're not a dumbass on a Razor scooter, you'll never have to visit it. But you'll still pay your tax.
Oh yeah, but Hillary's communist plan goes a step further and actually requires you to go to the doctor once a year. If you don't, you pay another tax. She makes sure you get your money's worth, whether you like it or not, beatch.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Let's be honest - no one plays Rugby. Not even white people. It's a poor man's football--almost literally, since the pads, helmets, and goalposts required to play a proper football game easily amounts to a few thousand dollars.
But despite the fact that no one plays Rugby, there is a small contingent of Europeans who cling to this muddy "sport" out of a sense of nostalgia for the time when the sun never set on the British Empire. (Today, the sun ALWAYS sets on the British Empire, as England is cloaked in a perpetual foggy mist composed of fumes from the decaying corpse of their colonial glory.)
After decades of deriding Europe (colonialists! Imperialists! Oppressors of the Third World!), advanced white people have decided everything Europe (except nuclear power) is cool again. Rugby most definitely falls into that category. Rugby is not to be confused with football, since white people's fetishizing of European English means they will interpret all sports in a European context. Football is not football, and soccer is not a word. For fun, try these on for size:
- Mention you'd like to toss around a "football" with a white person and he'll scold you for touching the soccer ball with your hands.
- Order "chips" and he'll hand you fries.
- Ask for a "fry" and he'll give you his small statuette from Futurama.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Most White People Are Christian
But try telling that to Premier George W. Bush, renowned white person and Christian revivalist.
Or the town of Redding, California, where the parishioners of Bethel [Jesus-loving] Church think Jesus miraculously heals visitors to their church--as long as the drop some coins in the till.
Or Michael Moore, who confuzzled millions of atheist white people when he dubbed 2004's Red States “Jesusland.”
Or the state of Utah.
Stuff White People Like assumes all white people are leftist hipsters: non-Christian, indie film lovers who ride bikes and drink expensive coffee spiked with soy milk and tears shed by crying Indians. To chronicle the blog's assumptions would take decades.
We'll begin with the most obvious.
White People Don't Like Indie Films
If white people liked indie films, we couldn't call them “indie,” we'd call them “profitable.” White people do not like indie films. In fact, no one likes indie films. Not even you.
(Exception: The only successful indie films appeal to passionate political pockets of white people who will pay to watch sucky movies for a “cause.”
Examples of these political marriages include Juno and pro-life Christians, or Farenheit 9/11 and Ron Paul's supporters.
Wealthy, well-educated white people love to hate wealthy, well-educated white people who preceded them. And with good reason: From bombarding indigenous Americans with smallpox blankets to enslaving Kunta Kente, wealthy educated white people have been doing disgusting things for generations. While 98% of today’s white people have never owned Kunta Kente or given an infected blanket to an Indian, white people who work at colleges teach their students that they are, in fact, responsible for those who have. Since white people pursuing college degrees idolize white people who already have them, they internalize this guilt. Much time is dedicated to finding creative ways to blame themselves for bad things like dirty floors, the prevalence of Mexican janitors, and the underrepresentation of white people in federal penitentiaries.
As a result, white people enjoy jokes at their expense. They enjoy comedy that draws attention to their inability to keep rhythm, swagger, drive, eat spicy foods, roll their R’s, or jump. “Stuff White People Like” capitalizes on this desire for self-flagellation, and, like the pasty white masochistic monk in the DaVinci Code, they flock to the blog in hopes of finding ever more sensational methods of murdering their self-esteem.