Sunday, March 9, 2008

#3 - The Assumption of Atheism

Advanced white people have shed their forefathers' burdens, shunning quaint superstitions like Christianity, Jesus, and forms of Judaism in which Jon Stewart is not the primary deity. Stuff White People Like capitalizes on these atheist preferences, boldly declaring that advanced white people will “believe any religion that doesn’t involve Jesus.”

Most White People Are Christian

But try telling that to Premier George W. Bush, renowned white person and Christian revivalist.

Or the town of Redding, California, where the parishioners of Bethel [Jesus-loving] Church think Jesus miraculously heals visitors to their church--as long as the drop some coins in the till.

Or Michael Moore, who confuzzled millions of atheist white people when he dubbed 2004's Red States “Jesusland.”

Or the state of Utah.

#2 - Leftist Hipsters and Independent Movies

Stuff White People Like assumes all white people are leftist hipsters: non-Christian, indie film lovers who ride bikes and drink expensive coffee spiked with soy milk and tears shed by crying Indians. To chronicle the blog's assumptions would take decades.

We'll begin with the most obvious.

White People Don't Like Indie Films

If white people liked indie films, we couldn't call them “indie,” we'd call them “profitable.” White people do not like indie films. In fact, no one likes indie films. Not even you.

(Exception: The only successful indie films appeal to passionate political pockets of white people who will pay to watch sucky movies for a “cause.”

Examples of these political marriages include Juno and pro-life Christians, or Farenheit 9/11 and Ron Paul's supporters.

#1 - Self Flagellation

Silas DaVinci Code Monk

Wealthy, well-educated white people love to hate wealthy, well-educated white people who preceded them. And with good reason: From bombarding indigenous Americans with smallpox blankets to enslaving Kunta Kente, wealthy educated white people have been doing disgusting things for generations. While 98% of today’s white people have never owned Kunta Kente or given an infected blanket to an Indian, white people who work at colleges teach their students that they are, in fact, responsible for those who have. Since white people pursuing college degrees idolize white people who already have them, they internalize this guilt. Much time is dedicated to finding creative ways to blame themselves for bad things like dirty floors, the prevalence of Mexican janitors, and the underrepresentation of white people in federal penitentiaries.

As a result, white people enjoy jokes at their expense. They enjoy comedy that draws attention to their inability to keep rhythm, swagger, drive, eat spicy foods, roll their R’s, or jump. “Stuff White People Like” capitalizes on this desire for self-flagellation, and, like the pasty white masochistic monk in the DaVinci Code, they flock to the blog in hopes of finding ever more sensational methods of murdering their self-esteem.