Monday, April 14, 2008

Communism (re: #94 Free Healthcare)

There is no such thing as free healthcare. There is communist healthcare, in which money is stolen from productive citizens and given to moochers who can't handle a skateboard, and normal healthcare, in which productive citizens pay for their own broken limbs.

"Stuff white people like" thinks that "free" healthcare is something white people like. Well, sure--everyone likes free stuff. This isn't limited to white people.

A Japanese Case Study

I once stood on a street corner in downtown Tokyo and tried to hand out hip-hop CDs to promote the Defamation League, a San Diego group trying to get huge in Japan. The Japanese were understandably perplexed; rarely are Tokyo denizens offered anything for free other than prepackaged Kleenex. They'd never been handed a free CD before in their lives.

Undeterred, I busted out my dictionary and looked up the Japanese word for "free" and started shouting it occasionally as I threw CDs around Shibuya crossing. Now they understood. The CDs were gobbled up like so many potstickers. From middle-aged businessmen to homeless Japanese living under bridges, everyone developed a sudden interest in "grit hop" when it came without a price tag.

The same goes for healthcare. Just as the hobbling centenarian grabbed the rap music when it became free, the undead zombies who troll our streets at nighttime will also want health care if they don't think they have to pay for it. Thing is, someone has to pay. And that someone is YOU.

You see, you're reading this on the 1Nt3rN3tZ lo!lo!LL. As such, you have a computer, or at least access to one. This means you've got an income. If you've got an income, you'll pay a tax for "free" healthcare. The larger your income, the larger your tax. In fact, if you've got an especially large income--say, upwards of $30,000 a year--you'll pay more in taxes than you'll get in health care. This goes double if you're healthy or young, like me (sorry ladies, I'm taken). Your youthful vitality will do you no good, since you'll get taxed whether you visit the hospital or not. Chances are, if you're not a dumbass on a Razor scooter, you'll never have to visit it. But you'll still pay your tax.

Oh yeah, but Hillary's communist plan goes a step further and actually requires you to go to the doctor once a year. If you don't, you pay another tax. She makes sure you get your money's worth, whether you like it or not, beatch.

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